Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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