I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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