Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
