your room smells of hookers.
And success
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
