I wish my penis had an off switch
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
