seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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