Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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