do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
