talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
