true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
