were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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