do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
