My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can text with my tongue
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
