she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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