I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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