y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
