Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
