another moral hangover. fuck.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
