the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
