i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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