you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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