So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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