wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she looked like the before picture.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
