So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
