So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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