Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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