I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
