I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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