seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
