If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
