So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
