What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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