He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
