youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
