Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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