So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
