I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
