i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
