cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
