i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
