I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
