wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize