You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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