Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
