I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
