apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
