I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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