you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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