The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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