Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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