You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
