Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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