He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
