found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
