ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
